DO’s and DON'Ts during a Big Kid Tantrum

Many resources train new parents to find patience and calm for those terrific twos flailing on the floor. However, there is little guidance for how to handle a meltdown of our not-so-little ones. Exasperated parents come to my practice asking, “Shouldn’t he have outgrown this by now?” Perhaps they practiced positive parenting when the child was younger, but at some point patience has run out.

Unfortunately, for some children, especially those with ASD and ADHD, “tantrums” can continue well past the point that society considers them to be acceptable.

Frankly, I feel that even adults can and do have tantrums. It is basically just emotional distress that bursts completely out of control.

Here are my top pieces of advice to clients (based on their experiences and my own):

Don’t try to reason with your child

A tantrum has a trigger, but rarely is really about the trigger. In this way temper tantrums can be likened to panic attacks. They are both emotional escalations out of proportion to the original situation. Like a full-blown panic attack, a full-blown tantrum resides in the amygdala (our reptile brains), and therefore, does not respond to reason.

Trying to convince someone that their emotion is unreasonable during a tantrum is a fool’s errand.

But yes, we all do it. Our child is doubled over in rage and pain over a seemingly minor provocation and it is nearly irresistible to try to convince them to stop. Take it from a therapist who specializes in emotional distortions -- a tantrum is not the time for CBT.

Don’t make jokes

It is tempting to try to defuse a tense moment with humor. As an observer, tantrums can look and sound quite ridiculous. Because tantrums are not societally considered age-appropriate for school-aged children, some parents might tease a child with some variation of “you are acting like a baby.” Comments such as these can quickly escalate the situation.

A tantruming child has NO sense of humor.

They are in their reptilian brains, and are in no position to parse the hilarity of the moment. Your child will most likely interpret that you are laughing at them and feel diminished and hurt.

Do keep their bodies safe

Big kids tantrums can be just as physical as their toddler equivalents. A big kid raging with their bodies is obviously much more dangerous.

When I work with parents of school-age children prone to tantrums, I advise creating a safe space where kids can kick or punch with little damage. Having breakables in their rooms is an unnecessary liability. Ideally, the child’s room can be a safe space for moments when they need to move their bodies erratically and violently.

If you are the trigger point of your child’s anger, then try to safely disengage from the situation.

You cannot simply let a child this age punch or kick anyone, as they could actually hurt themselves or others. If no other option is available, I sometimes suggest parents put their child in a gentle but firm hold, while telling them “I am holding you to keep you from hurting me or yourself.” However, I would not suggest a physical intervention with a child unless they are truly a danger to their bodies or yours. It can have the adverse effect of escalating the tantrum and parents have reported that when their own emotions are out of control, a “firm hold” can turn into a wrestling match.

Do check in with yourself

The above-mentioned parent wrestling their child to the ground could obviously stand to have a time-out of their own. If a parent is doing harm during an engagement with a tantrum, they need check in with their own emotional control. If both parent and child are having a visceral, amygdala reaction, someone is bound to get hurt.

Nothing we say or do when provoked to this level will make us proud the next day.

If you are out of control emotionally and logistically cannot disengage from the situation, take a few moments to regain composure with whatever coping skills work best. I suggest deep breathing, stretching, and even cardio movement to release your own pent up emotions. In a two parent household, parents can tag in and out of an engagement to give each person some time to calm down. My personal favorite is to push against a wall with the palms of my hands. I find that this isometric exercise dissipates anger and keeps me grounded in the moment.

Don’t threaten escalating punishments

I encourage parents to use consequences rather than punishments. The goal of a consequence is to be fair and measured, but to teach a child repercussions. The goal of a punishment is to inflict hurt. Consequences can and should be established during calm moments. Before any situation arises, a child is aware that behavior A leads to consequence B.

Parents often make the mistake of threatening a punishment early in a tantrum, i.e.. “If you don’t stop that right now, you are going to lose your iPad for a week!” Hearing this, a child starts crying and screaming harder, the parent responds “Make that two weeks!,” and we are off to the races!

A tantrum is never the right time to threaten the punishment. The momentum of the moment can carry the punishment way out of proportion quickly and then the parent is faced with the quandary of going back on their word or enforcing a decision they made while angry.

Instead, a child needs to know that if they physically or emotionally hurt others during their tantrum, they will have X consequence. In my house, it is one day without video games. I find this consequence to be sufficient to make the point that their behavior was not OK, but not so punitive that they are “paying” for their emotional outburst long after we have all moved on.

Do have empathy for yourself and your child

Tantrums are physically and emotionally draining for the whole family. It feels horrible to watch your child lose control and it feels equally awful to be the out of control child. Don’t be hard on yourself for not handling the tantrum perfectly -- no one is a perfect parent in such a messy moment.

Once the dust has settled, and if they will let you, lay down with your child. Cuddle up to them and breathe until both your hearts have settled. If you said anything hurtful during the tantrum, make a repair. Allow your child space to do the same.

And most importantly, remind your not-so-little one that you don’t like the behavior but you still love the child.

Learn about how Parenting Therapy at South Boulder Counseling could help you here.