Why do children need to talk about forgotten trauma

Trauma at any age may cause fear, avoidance, and secondary symptoms from an overstimulated nervous system.  But what if a child was so young that they seem to have forgotten the traumatic events?  It is tempting as a parent to welcome a child’s memory loss and try to simply move on as a family.  Nonetheless, the painful memory is codified in the child’s implicit memory and can continue to affect a young person as they grow and develop.

Even when explicit memory has been lost about a traumatic event, a child’s brain needs a chance to cognitively process what happened to them.  Without this processing, the child’s inherent memories may cause them to have unhelpful belief systems about the world and themselves, based on an undefined sense that they are unsafe or unloved.  I suggest talking with children about their forgotten trauma, starting with the least alarming details.  While presenting the facts, also pause to gently solicit their reactions and emotions.  Allow the child to ask questions and engage with their story. 

Some children may benefit from non-verbal processing of their trauma stories.  Artistic expression allows for a softer engagement with the trauma topic.  Younger children benefit from an illustrated storybook about their trauma, created by the parent who remembers it well.  The book should end on a positive note and depict the child recovering and thriving after the trauma.  While this may seem like a frightening bedtime story, many parents find that their child wants to read it over and over.  The repetition is soothing and helps the brain cognitively process trauma.

Please note that it is not uncommon for children to feel distressed when hearing about their forgotten traumas.  Remember that any mention of a trauma is an exposure to pain.  If you feel that your child is too overwhelmed by a story, it is okay to recalibrate to a gentler version.  You may refocus on different aspects of the story.

However, do not simply back away from retelling an event because your child is getting upset – this may codify avoidance patterns.  We want our children to know that it is safe to talk about and think about their pain and that temporary distress from doing so is worth the long-term benefit to their mental health.  Sitting with our children in their hurt, we show them that emotions do not need to be repressed.  

As I explain to my young clients, emotions are like clouds floating in and out of the blue sky.  No emotion is permanent; we can face anything with compassion and patience.